i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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