we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
