she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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