what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize