My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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