turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
