Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
