while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
