hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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