some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
