but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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