I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
