Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
