I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
