Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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