i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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