he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
