I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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