you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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