gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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