Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
