That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
