bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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