That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
