Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
