By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
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we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days