Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
