More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
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there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
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i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best