I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......