At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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