At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My life is pants optional.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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