Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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