Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
