So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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