if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
