i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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