I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
