Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
