You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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