Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
