but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
