i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you will always have a special place in my vag
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
