Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
