Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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