the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
