guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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