i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
