Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
