it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
