I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
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I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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