i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
