my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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