You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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