I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
