He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
