worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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