This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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