I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
