my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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