6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
