you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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