I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
